Alarmist headline of the day: "Blood-Sucking Parasites Threaten Southland Food Supply!"

Dear god, no! Blood-sucking parasites? Like giant vampire bats? Or genetically modified leeches that are immune to salt? Or even subsidy-dependent farmers?

Give it to us straight, NBC4!

Are we in danger of starving? Is Ralph's going to run out of Ding-Dongs? Should I begin hoarding food, stashing it my pantry next to the duct tape and bottled water?

Well, no.

Actually, the "blood-sucking parasites" are tiny mites that feed on honey bees.

Whew! Just mites, huh? From Java? Well, that's not so bad. Unless....

Those mites aren't Muslims, are they?  ¶ 4:00 PM